Slow fixes

I have back pain. It took me 10 months of pain until I finally went to the doctor who referred me to a physiotherapist. “Jogging is bad for your back”, the physiotherapist told me. She just confirmed my suspicion. The last 10 months my back pain has intensified after jogging which resulted in me jogging less and less as the months went by. After the session at the physiotherapist I started worrying about that the physiotherapist would tell me that I should skip jogging for the rest and my life and substitute it with Pilates! I felt it would be a very hard verdict as I associate Pilates with slowness and much less fun (if at all) than many other sports.

I wonder why I did not get an appointment with the doctor earlier. Somehow I managed to convince myself that it would soon pass and I got used to the pain. In retrospective it seems quite illogical but I think I was not ready to slow down, for what if other plans had to be paused or stopped due to this unexpected interruption?

I instinctively associate illness with stagnation, lack of progress and freedom and I find it quite scary to think of those in connection to my own life. I discussed with some friends today why talking with a sick person about their illness can sometimes be awkward. May it be because we pity people who are not able to live out “their full potential”? Illness can put on hold or hinder fulfilling dreams and limits a person’s range of opportunities; this is a situation we all wish to avoid. I think that being confronted with other people’s limitations make me feel uncomfortable as it reminds me of my own fragility and the potential limitations to my own self actualization I may encounter further on in my life (but really wish to avoid) due to illness or other circumstances.

Today my physiotherapist introduced me to a 30 min. exercise program I am supposed to do every other day for the next months. For my back to stay healthy I will however have to continue to exercise for much longer. “For your back to stay healthy it requires endurance and stability”, she said.

Endurance and stability are virtues I clearly see in the lives of my parents and their generation. My own generation is rather characterized by short-term commitments (jobs, voluntary work, relationships, etc.), effectiveness and rapidity. This I think is a result of our urge to develop and avoid stagnation. Experiencing stagnating is a legitimate reason to make active choices towards something that will help you to develop and progress. Avoiding or removing limitations that hinder you from achieving your goals shows that you are in control of your own life and able to actualize yourself.

I hate that my back pain keeps me from jogging and that I have to do “slow (boring) sports”at the moment. But mostly I hate the thought of being limited by something which is not quickly and effectively fixed. I have quite some practice in being effective and quick whereas I have very little practice in practicing “endurance and stability”. The coming months will for sure be challengeing  (and hopefully a learning experience) for me as an individual of a generation where limitations to my personal freedom and progress are hard to accept; especially if they cannot be quickly removed.